I sometimes get "Ohhhh. A flower..." and yes I got quite a bit of shit from the tattoo artist during the process but the point of this tattoo was not to have a pretty flower on my foot. The lotus is a flower that blooms and thrives in muddy water and that was something that was really significant to me this past year after it felt like I was just continuously knocked down by life. The lotus means new beginnings and not only starting over, but thriving in your redo. Given a chance to make something novel and better out of what others may see as not so great soil to start in.
Unfortunately, I believe some of the choices I have made as of quite recently have put me right back in some of the muddiest water I have ever been in. I'm not proud of a few things I have done and there are quite a few choices I would do differently given the chance to go back. There are people that I've hurt that are the last people that to deserve to be in anyone's line of fire and I'm not quite sure how I sank low enough to do so. Apologies seem insignificant when you can feel the effect of your mistake without even seeing or talking to someone.
So I'm starting this new trend. It's called "Get My Life Together November" in which I am going to work a few things out. As cheesy as it is, I really don't think the water could get much muddier at this point so I suppose it's time to start blooming. I'm going to stop focusing on the things that only seem to be temporary pleasures and start working on things that make me the type of person I would want to meet myself. The song Drowning Shadows came out the day I started thinking about this blog post and the lyrics really hit home with me. If you haven't heard it, I highly suggest it because Sam Smith has such a weird way of knowing exactly what I need to hear.
I was really hit hard with the inspiration for this decision to bloom by tons of things. First, in my dance class we were improvising for a long time and were told to think of a task to give ourselves while dancing. I happened to be looking down and decided I would try to go to all of the spots on the floor where the light from the windows made a shape, I worked my way over to the first one, turned towards the window, and was blinded by the light it cast. I went home that day and also found this quote that for some reason just really hit me hard:
Wow. I know that I need to love and respect myself in order for me to be able to properly do the same for someone else but I never thought about the fact that it includes the parts of me that maybe aren't so great. Just something to think about.
Well now that I ranted about how I'm horrible but I'm trying, continue on with your life! I'm sick of a life of temporary highs that just make the fall that much more shocking. It's time to seek out family and friends that care about me and pray and take time to reflect on myself and what I'm doing. Have a wonderful and wacky Wednesday (lol) and think about the lotus next time you feel as though your water is turning brown.
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